A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."14 Penguin Jokes
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:17 General Motors Jokes
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"9 Golf Jokes
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
A Chinese Homosexual Jewish man walks to a bar. He says to bartender0 Short jokes
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man: Shit's be rough
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man: Me asian. I eat shit by the way, as I am a homosexual.
Bartender: Wow, cool!
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man leaves bar without paying because he's a stingy Jew.
He comes back the next day.
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man: I control the world. By the way, any Cocker Spaniels for this Rothschild?
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man: Me eat dog and read torah.
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man leaves the bar without paying because he's a stingy Jew.
Corpse of Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man arrives next day.
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man: Can me have whisky, me son happens to be gay.
Chinese Homosexual Jewish Man leaves the bar and gets in his car before driving off and crashing into a lightpole and dying. ~ Bill Gates Son