Died - 27 jokes
10 woman jokes
Did you hear about the woman
who finally figured out men
She died laughing
before she could tell anybody.
21 Bill Clinton jokes
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked: "Tell what is important about yourself." Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God
looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit
at my left hand."
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."
God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded "I think you are sitting in my chair!"
49 lawyer jokes
A New York Divorce Lawyer
died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless
person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell
51 cat jokes
Lenny went on vacation
and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat
Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.
"What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof
. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny
There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."
46 wife jokesNext page Jokes
and his ever-nagging wife
went on vacation to Jerusalem
. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead
. I just can’t take