Dick jokes

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in!

Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night. He found a girl in a local pub. He said: "I'm Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you ...?"

Her reply: "Mr prime minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners - then it won't cost a fucking penny!"

Proper punctuation and grammar is what changes the statement, "Get off of that dick!" to, "Get off of that, Dick!"