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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

52     lawyer jokes


If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

56     wife jokes


How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

46     sex jokes


Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.

The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.

The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.

The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.

44     man jokes


Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

34     fire jokes






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