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Court jokes

18 jokes about courts



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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

34     → Joke


Proposal

A man was taken for hearing, the Judge asks: "Why are you arrested?"

He says: "For shopping early?"

Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"

He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"

4     → Joke


Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

40     → Joke


There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you fuck all over the house.

BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only fuck in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "Fuck you!" when you pass in the hall.

COURTROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for twenty years, your spouse's lawyer fucks you out of everything you've got.

34     → Joke


A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

21     → Joke



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