16 jokes about corners
35 wife jokes
left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday
, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting
with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
26 court jokes
It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury
was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors
succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.
"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."
"Would it help to just write it down?"
The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note
to the judge
. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.
juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.
The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."
"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
26 cowboy jokes
was riding accross the plain when he heard shouting from a nearby house. So he went over to investigate and after searching the house, found a young maiden lying naked
in bed, with her four limbs tied to the bed corners.
"Oh thank god" she cried: "you have got to help me, two men came by and killed my husband then took it in turn to ravish me before stealing all our money, help me please!"
The cowboy thought for a second, then as he unzipped his fly and took down his trousers he said: "Maam, this just aint your lucky day!"
9 pensioners jokes
Two old pensioners
are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking
fence wasn't electrified."
4 toasts jokesNext page Jokes
John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize
at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "What was your toast?"
John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"