"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."27 Marriage Jokes
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.26 God Jokes
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.26 Genie Jokes
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."25 God Jokes
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.26 Sex JokesNext page Jokes
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"