12 jokes about clocks
A bloke takes his mates back to his new flat, after a few more beers
One of the boys asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"
The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"
"How does it work?"
"I will show you" and he hits it full pelt with a club hammer!
A voice from next door yells: "For fucks sake you cunt, its twenty to three in the morning!"
comes into a hardware
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
and, following the wedding, the husband
laid down some rules
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing
, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex
here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary
. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex
, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.4
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him, of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said: "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said: "Honey? Please Just one more time.
She agreed, then afterward she rolled and fell asleep."
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until it was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we ...?".
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said: "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and go to work while you don't!."