What is the difference between God and a social worker?25 God Jokes
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.23 Sex Jokes
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.17 Stress Jokes
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.22 Engineer Jokes
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?24 Light Bulb JokesNext page Jokes
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.