42 jokes about churches
An old man was on his death
bed, and wanted to be buried with his money
. He called his priest
, his doctor
and his lawyer
to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin
when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
Dog died, A dog died, and the owner went to his pastor and said: Pastor, my dog is dead, could there be a service for the poor creature? The pastor replied,2 Proposal
"I'm afraid not. We cannot have a service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road,
and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the animal; u can go and find out"! The man answered innocently, "I'll go right away pastor ... but do you think they will accept a donation of $100,000 as being enough in return for the burial service?" The pastor exclaimed
"Ooh!... Why didn't you tell me the dog was a christian?
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.3 Proposal
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
John hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"1
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "What was your toast?"
John said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
who was known as Churchill
's main rival in parliament
was giving a speech
. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep
while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."