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A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

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chemist

chemist
Chemist's last words

1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...

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chemist
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

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Rules of the lab

1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

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Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly:

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

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