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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take

that chance."

51     wife jokes


Proposal

After a whirlwind sex tour of Chinese brothels, a man comes back from his vacation, exhausted but happy. A few weeks later he notices purple and green rings on his penis. Terrified that he caught some disease he goes to his doctor. He runs some tests and tells him that he has Chinese VD and his penis must be amputated. The man is horrified and gets a second opinion. The other doctor says the same thing- the dick has to come off. Finally, the guy reasons to himself, "Since I got this from some Chinese tart, I'll go to a Chinese doctor and see what they say. So, he goes to see Dr. Hu G Wang. The man shows him his penis and says that all the other doctors said he needs to have his dick cut off. Dr. Wang shakes his head and laughs. "American doctors- always want to operate. No worry! You have Chinese VD. It OK!" The guy heaves a huge sigh of relief! "No, no cut dickie off, after week dickie turn black and fall off.

6     Short jokes


It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

44     heaven jokes


The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

42     Jesus jokes


A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

32     blonde jokes






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