Funny · Short · New · Top
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary
. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife
thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit
arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus
." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
sits in a bar
, reading a newspaper. Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by another man: "Excuse me sir, but do you know Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The man folds up his newspaper, coughs slightly and replies: "just a moment sir", after which he takes out a little black notebook. "A, A, A... [finding the name in the book] yes, actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".
He puts the notebook back into his inside pocket picks up the newspaper and continues reading. The other man taps his shoulder again: "Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The first gent puts the newspaper down again, finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B... ahh, yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"
He starts putting the notebook away when he once again is tapped on the shoulder: "Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom, and I am very disappointed"
"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"