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Blood jokes

22 jokes about blood



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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115" she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

17     woman jokes


How do you know that the bartender doesn't like you?

Your bloody mary has a string hanging out of it.

6     blady marys jokes


Yo momma is so stupid she can't pass a blood test.

4     yo momma jokes


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore! ... He is!"

20     wife jokes


Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry my daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother-in-law!"

5     solomon jokes






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