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Top 20 Jokes about Births



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A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

18     Dog Jokes


A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

13     Age Jokes


Proposal

Two gay guys are shopping at a store. The one gay guy starts wiggling his butt. His partner looks at him and says, "What's wrong honey?" The other says, "It feels like there's something stuck up my ass." The other says, "Well let's go home and I'll check." They get home and he drops his pants and bends over. The other gay guy sticks his hand in his butthole up to his wrist and feels around. "Nope, nothing there!" The other guy says, "Oh just go in farther, I can still feel it there." So he sticks his arm in up to his elbow and feels around. "Still nothing!" Then the other says, "You almost had it, just a little farther!" So he jams his arm up the poopchute to his shoulder and feels something!" He draws out his arm and looks, in the palm of his hand is a wrist watch! The other guy starts singing, "Happy birthday to you....."     ~ bill gates o hell

3     Short jokes


Proposal

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman gives birth. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says: "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says: "Not yet."

Finally they say: "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says: "When the baby cries."

So they ask: "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says: "I forgot where I put it!"

4     Short jokes


A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35 C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

4     Farting Jokes






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