Big - 65 jokes
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.30 → Joke
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.
One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.21 → Joke
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.
The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.
Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.16 → JokeProposal
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down
Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.6 → Joke
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man… Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests ...
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again ... When she got up in the bedroom,
Tony took off his trousers exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his trousers and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man…
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there,
Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said,
'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?16 → Joke
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.