105 jokes about bars
One night, after a long evening of drinking
, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun
walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman
A little girl
goes to the barbers
with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin
while her dad gets a haircut
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know" she says "im gonna get tits
too you dirty old bastard!"
A guy stuck his head into a barber
shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?".
The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour only."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said: "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked: "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said: "To your wife!"
walked into the classroom
to find the word "penis
" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.
But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Yep," the wife