103 jokes about bars
walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook
? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit
in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
and his dog
walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."Bartender
: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball
player of all time?"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.
A pretty woman
walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."
Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby
To which Rose added, "You wanna bet
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog
. The bartender
said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets
game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
Paddy and his two friends
are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse
." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey
under our bed."