97 jokes about bars
25 → Joke
and his dog
walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."Bartender
: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball
player of all time?"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
18 → Joke
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey
. One of his friends
happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife
just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky
in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore! ... He is!"
12 → Joke
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.
A pretty woman
walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."
Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby
To which Rose added, "You wanna bet
43 → Joke
were in a bar watching the television
when the news
came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb
enough to jump again!"
35 → Joke
Paddy and his two friends
are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse
." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey
under our bed."
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