54 jokes about babies
A wealthy man was having an affair
with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
So the baby snake says to its mom: "Mom, are we poisonous?"4
And the mommy snakes says, "Why do you ask?"
The baby replies, "Because I just bit my tongue."
. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge
rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"4 Proposal
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
A family of three are in a hot air balloon. It's a mom, dad, and a toddler. The balloon catches fire and the mom says, "We need to get out of here!"4
The dad picks up the two parachutes and straps one on himself and one on his wife.
"What about the baby?" Asks the mom.
"We'll have to leave him here." The dad replies, and he grabs the mom's hand, and jumps out.
The two landed safely, right outside of a small town. They went into a restaraunt, as they were hungry. The waitress says, "I think there's someone here waiting for you, you fit the description."
The couple follow the waitress to a table where their child is sitting!
"How did you get here? We thought you died!" Exclaimed the father.
The toddler said, "Me no stupid, me no dumb, me jump onto Daddy's bum! Daddy goes 'boom', and I go zoom, and that's how I got here so soon."
The mom is shocked. "I told you not to eat those beans for dinner last night!"