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Baby jokes

51 jokes about babies



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A woman with triplets pregnancy is taken as hostage during a stickup at the bank. The robber shoots her three times in the stomach before he is arrested by armed police. Amazingly, the woman finds out all her babies have survived. She gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.

15 years later, she comes home from work to find her first daughter crying. When she asks her what's wrong, her daughter tells her she went for a wee and a bullet came out. She reassures her this is normal, and tells her the bizarre story.

The next day, she finds her second daughter crying, who also says she went for a wee and a bullet came out. Once again she tells the story.

The day after that, she finds her son crying, and asks him if he went for a wee and had a bullet come out. He looks at her confused and replies ''No - I was having a wank and I shot the dog!''

41     → Joke


Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised." the other replied.

"What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

23     → Joke


How long is the average woman in labor?

Whatever she says divided by two.

31     → Joke


"Tell me a bedtime story."

"Fuck you."

"That's my favourite."

87     → Joke


A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

44     → Joke



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