Jokes Babies / Women
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."Penis Jokes
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"Woman Jokes
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.Sex Jokes
A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."
Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby."
To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"
Jokes Babies / Sex
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.Sex Jokes
The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.Sex Jokes
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.Little Johnny Jokes
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
Whats the difference between a dead baby and apple pie?Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris doesn't eat the apple pie after he has sex with it.
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?Indian Jokes
The dad answers, "Well, son, it's tradition when an Indian baby is born for the father to go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees ... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
Jokes Babies / Little Johnny
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"Heaven Jokes
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"Little Johnny Jokes
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."
Short Jokes about Babies
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?Blonde Jokes
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?Tooth Jokes
When you see teeth marks.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?Wife Jokes
When the kids are in college.
The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.Smoking Jokes
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"Old Jokes
Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Long Jokes about Babies
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.Penis Jokes
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"7 Up Jokes
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"Mother Jokes
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram.Father Jokes
He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.
The baby says again: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor says: "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked: "Are you my daddy?"
And the father says: "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying: "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"
More Jokes about Babies
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?Doctor Jokes
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?College Jokes
With any luck, right after it finishes college.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?Husband Jokes
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"Woman Jokes
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?Man Jokes
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.