275 jokes about art
How do you know when a woman
is about to say something smart
When she starts her sentence
with "A man
once told me ..."
A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife
, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband
One day I got hired to be a walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.8
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a walmart greeter.
throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators
. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO
(Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow
, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher
. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband
tells his wife
, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family