253 jokes about art
58 → Joke
came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning
and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike
! I need a bike!"
57 → Joke
kills a deer
and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner
. He knows his kids
are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole
54 → Joke
was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner
used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
52 → Joke
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money
grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
54 → Joke
How do you know when a woman
is about to say something smart
When she starts her sentence
with "A man
once told me ..."
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