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Accident jokes

23 jokes about accidents



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A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt – though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily:

"That’s incredible both our cars are demolished but we’re fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!"

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

The woman goes on, "And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let’s drink to our love!"

"Well, OK!" says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

"Your turn," says the man.

"No, thanks," says the woman, "I think I’ll just wait for the police."

4     alcohol jokes


Paul and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Paul that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Paul's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Paul asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

23     sex jokes


Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Makes me kind of immortal.

10     perfect jokes


A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

"Fuck-me, your jumpy aren't yer, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."

46     taxi jokes


A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.

The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."

So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

49     dick jokes






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