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How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

56    

man,wheel barrow

What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

Kermit's Finger.

15    


Why don't men believe in paternity tests?

Because the sample is taken from their finger.

6    

man,toilet

blonde:5
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

35    


When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

60    






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